Societal worth

Everywhere you turn there’s validation to be found in achievements, money, beauty and competition. Surely we are worth more than how we look or the grades we get ? Are we not complex and valuable human beings? Each with our own unique abilities and differences. Don’t I have more self worth than a grade or the size of my jeans? Shouldn’t I be happier ? I live in a society where we stare at screens and judge those who walk by for their differences to us. Do I belong in a society where those who have money are treated with more respect than those struggling ?.

After spending yet another day body checking and equating my self worth and days happiness to how much I weighed or how much fat I could grip off my stomach, I decided to journal and vent, then scroll through youtube. Low and behold a TedX talk about society and eating disorders. It all rang so true. After watching this I realised that I can make a difference in this world, if I can be just one person who rebels against feeling compelled to compare myself to society’s ideals then I can influence others. I can spread happiness and freedom, just like that video did for me. You can too.

I don’t have to partake in consumerism, I don’t have to destroy the planet bit by bit, I don’t have to wear jeans (which I find uncomfortable), I don’t have to join in with judging others, I don’t have to get perfect grades, the house, the car, the office.

I was always told to do a job I love and will be happy in, I was always taught that money is a side effect of doing a job you love. I know that money doesn’t make you happy, but I also know it sure helps make life that bit easier. Therefore I have always strived to do better for myself, to ensure that I will be able to stand on my own two feet. I know what its like to struggle money wise, I cant say its fun and so I don’t want to struggle, but that doesn’t mean I cant do a job I love and makes a difference in this world.

So far on my mission to break out of society’s rules ive grown up not eating meat, ive stopped drinking milk, I have been drinking Aplro for over a year. I avoid and substitute dairy as much as I can. I don’t eat fish, I don’t use face wash containing microbeads, ive asked for vegan Easter eggs, ive asked for ethical birthday presents, ive reduced clothes buying (restricting myself to ethical brands only), I use Dr bronner’s hair wash which is free from sodium laurel sulphate. I sign animal and environmental petitions.

Looking at all that I realise I’m actually making a difference, they all seem so small and insignificant to me, but they are all useful. It all helps. Its not just about rebelling against society, there are parts of society that I love. Its about realising that I have more self worth that what some advert, magazine or social media content says. You do to ! You are worth more than your pay check or best pair of shoes. You shouldn’t feel like you’re nothing without the newest phone, shoes, outfit, makeup, hairstyles, trend. You are unique and have something wonderful to give to this world, use it.

p.s. the links in the paragraph above contain information.

Chevion x



Back to basics

You know when you wake up in such a happy and peaceful mood, but somehow it disappears and you feel frustrated that it didn’t last all day like you had hoped? well that’s me today. So after a couple hours of aimless youtube watching, meditation and cups of camomile tea, I still felt rubbish. Then I looked over at my onesie hanging over my unused exercise bike (thanks chronic fatigue :)) and remembered talking to my mum about the holes in the feet of my onesie, explaining that I didn’t want to throw it away because I love it, its big, comfy, soft and well, its the best excuse to do nothing. ‘Sew a patch on the feet’. Well what a great idea! That way I can keep my onesie without getting cold feet all the time that I wear it.

So I’m now sat cutting off the soles of my onesie drinking yet more camomile tea and listening to rain and native American flute music. I could use the sewing machine but there is something I love about hand sewing, I find it relaxing and soothing (apart from when you prick your finger or mess up the stitching).

I really want to start making an effort to reduce my level of waste. There’s so many products both made from plastic and wrapped in plastic. New studies indicate that the fibers in our clothes could be poisoning our waterways and food chain on a massive scale. Microfibers – tiny threads shed from fabric – have been found in abundance on shorelines where waste water is released. Isn’t it scary and crazy to know that our clothes contain plastic fibres that get washed into the water system via the washing machine, which the fish then eat and people then eat. There’s so many chemicals and pollutants in this world and I want to reduce my impact on the world as much as I can. Fixing this onesie myself is only a small step, but its about that change in attitude. We live in a throw away culture and I want to distance myself from it as much as I can.

So having patched up my pyjamas I feel content that I have achieved something, albeit small. Take a small step every now and then in changing your attitude, for example look through your wardrobe and think ‘ do I really need all of this, can it go to someone who really does need it?’. I have also heard that when going into a clothes shop you should think about whether there is an item of clothing you already have which you are willing to give to charity in order to allow yourself to buy a new one. Personally I want to work my way to a more minimalist lifestyle. For example from now on only buying clothes from ethical companies or that are only made with cotton or bamboo.

I hope this isn’t too boring and that you can take something from this post. Have a great day, peace. Chevion x

*. SCALES .*

Scales are the best friend of someone with an eating disorder, but in reality they are their worst enemy. Weighing multiple times a day. Ruining your day with a few hundred grams. withdrawn, depressed and lonely. Eating disorders feel like the best friend you could ever wish for, always there, forever by your side. Whispering advice in your ear.

I’ve struggled on and off for many years since I was at least 11. Always aware of my ‘skinny’ shape, but never happy with my body. Everyone around me seemed to admire my slim frame but for me it meant nothing I didn’t like anything about it.

This most recent struggle was one short lived. 3 weeks of restricting left me exhausted and weak. I thought to myself ‘can I really carry on?’. I caved and told my mum, then cried, then whispered for her to get me some bread. Of course I had to whisper ‘I’m hungry’ because admitting you’re hungry when you’re starving is almost the equivalent to a sin when anorexia is having her say.

I’m back to eating 2,000 calories having 3 meals and 3 snacks a day. There are, of course days when break downs happen and I feel relapse is my only option. But then something inside of me, the kind and gentle part of me, reminds me that I need nutrition and I cant live on my own muscle mass and organs.

I’ve never had constant counselling to support me, they have either left to go to a different job or only been available for a short time in the NHS. I know that I need to try my best to get some form of constant support and counselling in order to work through these issues that will not go away on their own. I know that in almost every photo i’ve ever taken I’ve had eating disorder thoughts, that every couple of weeks I go through the motions in my mind. Sitting here at the lowest healthy weight I am still having body image issues, they race through my mind, attacking me for the body that cushions my organs.

I cant say i’ll never struggle again, I’m sure I will. But what I can say is that its not worth my life, I know where it ends, no weight is good enough for anorexia and death is the ultimate outcome whether through, malnutrition or suicide. I fight every single day to keep myself from that dark path of self destruction.

If you struggle, fight on. Because the rain passes, the sun shines and a beautiful rainbow appears. Be that rainbow, be the result of your struggles and triumphs. You are so much more than a number on a scale or the total calorie intake. You deserve more.

Chevion x