Scales are the best friend of someone with an eating disorder, but in reality they are their worst enemy. Weighing multiple times a day. Ruining your day with a few hundred grams. withdrawn, depressed and lonely. Eating disorders feel like the best friend you could ever wish for, always there, forever by your side. Whispering advice in your ear.
I’ve struggled on and off for many years since I was at least 11. Always aware of my ‘skinny’ shape, but never happy with my body. Everyone around me seemed to admire my slim frame but for me it meant nothing I didn’t like anything about it.
This most recent struggle was one short lived. 3 weeks of restricting left me exhausted and weak. I thought to myself ‘can I really carry on?’. I caved and told my mum, then cried, then whispered for her to get me some bread. Of course I had to whisper ‘I’m hungry’ because admitting you’re hungry when you’re starving is almost the equivalent to a sin when anorexia is having her say.
I’m back to eating 2,000 calories having 3 meals and 3 snacks a day. There are, of course days when break downs happen and I feel relapse is my only option. But then something inside of me, the kind and gentle part of me, reminds me that I need nutrition and I cant live on my own muscle mass and organs.
I’ve never had constant counselling to support me, they have either left to go to a different job or only been available for a short time in the NHS. I know that I need to try my best to get some form of constant support and counselling in order to work through these issues that will not go away on their own. I know that in almost every photo i’ve ever taken I’ve had eating disorder thoughts, that every couple of weeks I go through the motions in my mind. Sitting here at the lowest healthy weight I am still having body image issues, they race through my mind, attacking me for the body that cushions my organs.
I cant say i’ll never struggle again, I’m sure I will. But what I can say is that its not worth my life, I know where it ends, no weight is good enough for anorexia and death is the ultimate outcome whether through, malnutrition or suicide. I fight every single day to keep myself from that dark path of self destruction.
If you struggle, fight on. Because the rain passes, the sun shines and a beautiful rainbow appears. Be that rainbow, be the result of your struggles and triumphs. You are so much more than a number on a scale or the total calorie intake. You deserve more.